Break free

When it comes to choosing a partner aka boyfriend, I get very picky. Why, you ask? Of course, with physical appearance that's not so far above the average, and personality that isn't as bright as everyone else, it sounds like a joke when I get very picky. But believe it or not, maybe that's what I need. I need to be picky, because I know myself well. Because I know I'm hard to handle, and I'm still in the process of becoming better, so I can't be with just anyone. I'm afraid that if I let everyone in just like that, it will ruin the process. It will change me into someone with a personality that is worse than I already am. I'm not saying that I don't want to fall--in fact, I need to fall first to know the taste of rising back up. But I'm choosing carefully what kind of person I would fall for, to make sure I get the lesson I need.

It comes to my mind that it's totally okay to be picky. Especially when you have goals to reach, people to impress, or friends or family to take care of. Love can come second even when you're not looking for it. Which is why now I'm really content of being single. Unlike my ex who already has a new girlfriend in just a short time, I find being single as a breather for me. After a year of being attached to someone, I realized that I've lost so many things and I need to catch up real soon. That feeling when I apply my make-up so I'll look good when I go to classes, raising my sex appeal to make myself more attractive, be active by taking more jobs at events, hanging out with friends who are not in my circle, etc. After all, being single doesn't mean that I'm gonna be lonely. I would rather be single than be in a relationship where my partner can't even match my effort because he's too lazy to do that. I wasn't even asking him to go beyond me, but he couldn't do that.

It still haunts me every night when I'm alone and lost in my own thoughts. But each day passes, I learn to swim through it instead of drowning. And without I realize, I have taught myself how to be strong on my own. And God, it feels good, to finally wake up and not having to feel empty or sad. Sometimes I still miss the feeling of being loved, and maybe all this time, for the last three months of me trying to win him back, it wasn't him whom I missed. It was the feeling. I have found many new hearts in my time being single again and it sets my soul free knowing that I'm not attached to anyone. Relationships are messy and people get hurt. Now I wonder why would anyone be in a relationship?